I spent so much of my life feeling like a pretender. I tried to find the magic combination of clothes, opinions, interests, and jokes, that would prove I was normal (to myself as much as anyone else). It was exhausting, and even when it worked, I didn’t feel normal.
I didn’t know how to exist in the world. I was desperate to feel noticed and loved, while simultaneously believing the longer someone was near me, the more likely they would see through me. I receded into video games to cope. I waited for something to change, or someone to rescue me, just like the fantasy stories and games I lived in.
Sometimes I just wanted my game to be over with.