I am a licensed nurse, anthropologist, certified life coach, feminist, and legit geek.
I used to feel like an outlier in a world full of regular people. I remember so much social anxiety, depression, and shame. I didn’t understand why I felt so different. I tried to emulate what real people did. I wasn’t very good at it.
I spent so much of my life feeling like a pretender. I tried to find the magic combination of clothes and jokes that would prove I was normal to myself as much as anyone else. It was like a secret programming equation I couldn’t solve; if I input the right sequence of behaviors I would get the desired output. It was exhausting and I never found the answer.
I didn’t know how to exist in the world. I was desperate to feel noticed and loved, while simultaneously believing the longer someone was near me, the more likely they would see through me. I receded into video games to cope. I waited for something to change, or someone to rescue me, just like the nerdy fantasy stories and games I lived in.
Sometimes I just wanted GAME OVER.
On New Year’s day, like so many other women, I trudged into a gym with a resolution. I was already assuming I would fail in a month, yet I still couldn’t accept this was going to be my life forever. I got on a treadmill. I flipped through podcasts and picked one that said something about feeling better. I just wanted background noise.
That day I was introduced to thought work. There was an explosion in my head. Actually there were several explosions. Something unlocked.
I realized at 30+ years old I hadn’t ever let myself happen. Growing up I had legit missed a big ol’ chunk of the tutorial process. My game was still on pause because I hadn’t even pressed the start button. I had been living my life without myself, stuck on level one.